Weekly Writer’s Workshop

17 Mar

It wasn’t a normal day, no day for the last 30 had been normal. My nerves were shot, and I was struggling to behave like a sane person. I’d just finished the whirlwind of endless tests, procedures, and hormones shots that is IVF.

When I’m stressed, I remember odd little details.  Roughly 14 days earlier, I’d been in a sterile little room, with a sliding door straight out of Star Trek.  That door made the shook, shook sound as a technician entered, carrying all my hopes in her hands.  In one hand she carried a vial, in the other, pictures of my embryos.  All I could think about was the door.

Shortly after she told me that our embryos were healthy, my fertility specialist arrived to do the deed.   In a moment of twisted intimacy, Tim held my hand while my the doctor knocked me up.  After the procedure was done, they sent us away with instructions.  I might feel pregnant, it was most likely the hormones.  No taking  home pregnancy tests because the results might not be accurate.  Rest, try to relax.  Come back in about 21 days for a pregnancy test.  TWENTY-ONE DAYS! 

The hormones and the stress really worked me over.  Luckily my boss and most of my team were away, while I waited.  Otherwise they would have seen a frazzled derelict wandering the halls muttering to herself, twitching, and bursting into tears for no apparent reason. 

At about 10 days post-science fictiony insemination, I started obsessively researching the most effective, most sensitive, most accurate early home pregnancy test on the market.  I hustled to the nearest drug store and invested heavily in First Response Early Pregnancy tests.  I braved the bathroom in the storeroom, and the results were like all the other tests I’d taken over the years, crushingly negative.  

I knew that I’d tested way too early, so there was this little kernel of hope that kept me going.  The anxiety of not knowing was eating at my soul, but I REALLY didn’t want to be disappointed again, so I promised myself that I wouldn’t test again, no matter what.  I tucked the crazy lady away, calmly welcomed my team back, and tried to bury myself in work.

Day 14 was a rare, gorgeous day.  It was still technically winter but it was one of those warm, sunny Pacific NorthWest days that you can walk around without a coat on, and bask in the glory.  Cracks were developing in my facade, so I decided to run an errand, burn off the nervous energy, and take advantage of the sun.  

Errand complete, I rode a shuttle on the way back to my building, feeling calm, enjoying the sun on my face.  The ride was a little bumpy, and I started to feel a tad upchucky, which was curious.  By the time I got back to my building I was also feeling dizzy – curiouser.   Still, I was calm, patient, and was not going to run to the bathroom to take a pregnancy test.  My iron-clad resolve lasted maybe an hour.

I walked shakily to the bathroom, took the test, and waited.  Were my eyes deceiving me, was there a faint line on the stick?  Well, there might have been, but I was hyperventilating;  my vision blurred.   I took another, and another,  just to be sure.  

Ten years of trying, and I’d never seen any little lines, and holy buckets, all three had tests had dark lines.  I ran back to my office with one of the pregnancy tests in hand.  I don’t know why I did that, maybe so that when I woke up, I could prove that it wasn’t just a dream. 

One of my co-workers stopped me in the hall to ask a question.  He looked at me, looked at my hands, and graciously chose to save my dignity by ignoring what he saw.  I didn’t care ’cause I was PREGNANT!

Update:  Thanks for all the congratulations, but this was almost 5 years ago- I’m not pregnant! 

If you haven’t participated in one of Mama Kat’s Weekly Writer’s workshop, give it a try.

Mama's Losin' It


Posted by on March 17, 2010 in Weekly Writer's Workshop


27 responses to “Weekly Writer’s Workshop

  1. Farmers Wife

    March 18, 2010 at 3:55 am

    That is an awesome post….congrats on that special day. I know exactly how you feel, the rush of excitement and the feeling that finally it’s happening. I won’t go into my details too much but let me say, I know the feelings you describe about testing and not testing and being patient and going crazy….thanks for bringing back some funny yet loved memories for me xx


  2. Paige

    March 18, 2010 at 4:09 am

    Beautiful post.
    Your blog is lovely.


  3. Amanda

    March 18, 2010 at 5:33 am

    Awesome post and congrats to you!!! I love your blog layout as well!


  4. parenting BY dummies

    March 18, 2010 at 5:44 am

    Now THAT is a day worth remembering. And you retold it so well. Like a story. A super good, suspenseful story with a happy ending. The kind I like.


  5. Christie@MommyDrinksBecauseYouCry

    March 18, 2010 at 6:56 am

    I have goose bumps and two tiny tears running down my cheeks! How wonderful! I’m having problems forming the right words but imagine something along the lines of amazing, so happy for you, beautiful writing, perfect composition all rolled into an eloquent sentence!


  6. Jessica

    March 18, 2010 at 6:57 am

    Congratulations! That is wonderful, wonderful news!!!


  7. Life with Kaishon

    March 18, 2010 at 7:38 am

    This made me SO so SO happy. I cried.


  8. Amy

    March 18, 2010 at 8:44 am

    what an amazing day and beautifully written.


  9. Pammie

    March 18, 2010 at 8:45 am

    I couldn’t imagine going through that myself. I’m glad it turned out good for you. Having a baby is a wonderful miracle. For some people it’s way too easy. For some it’s way too hard.

    I have to be very careful because my eggs are not very choosy with the whole sperm thingy. They don’t know that they are suppose to play hard to get. My last baby apparently jumped out of my husband without either of us knowing it. Surprise! So now we have a soon to be 10 year old and we have an 11 year old. (eyes rolling) Diapers and lack of sleep all over again.


  10. Kathy

    March 18, 2010 at 9:59 am

    Aww yay!


  11. Christopher (AKA: CaJoh)

    March 18, 2010 at 10:20 am

    I see a lot of people dreading the home pregnancy tests. Perhaps it is because they don’t want to be pregnant. But in your case it is very different.

    I love the lead in to the actual day– it definitely sets the stage for the anxiety and nervousness that accompanies wanting to be successful.

    Thank you for sharing the day your wonderful miracle happened to you,


  12. dusty earth mother

    March 19, 2010 at 7:37 am

    What a fantastic story! Thank you for telling it and telling it so well.


  13. Stef

    March 20, 2010 at 6:13 pm

    That was so fun to read. That must have been such a great day! And yay!! Enjoyed reading.


  14. Danielle

    June 29, 2011 at 11:00 pm

    What a beautifully written post. I love the details and descriptions.


  15. Robin

    June 30, 2011 at 3:08 am

    Whether it happened today, yesterday or 5 years ago….still….congratulations!
    Ten years I a long time to wait.
    Lovely story….


  16. Angie

    June 30, 2011 at 5:26 am

    What a neat story! Thanks for sharing it with us.

    P.S. Happy SITS day from one working mom to another. 🙂


  17. Kimberly at Rubber Chicken Madness

    June 30, 2011 at 6:06 am

    I can only imagine the joy you must have felt after trying for so long! Well told 🙂

    Stopped by from SITS today.


  18. The Dutch Girl

    June 30, 2011 at 6:26 am

    That is indeed a day worth remembering. Good things come to those who wait, they say. Fortunately to the impatient ones as well.

    Happy SITS Day! Enjoy the comment love,


  19. Susan

    June 30, 2011 at 10:39 am

    happy sits day! that is truly amazing, a wonderful story (and kudos to your coworker’s kindness, too!)


  20. Jennifer

    June 30, 2011 at 10:52 am

    I know that feeling exactly. It took us seven years.


  21. jennifermarie

    June 30, 2011 at 1:44 pm

    How wonderful you were finally able to get pregnant after 10 years! My mom was the same way and said she didn’t believe she was pregnant because it took so long! Ten years of trying and my mom was finally pregnant with me.


  22. dellilah

    June 30, 2011 at 3:57 pm

    The joys of motherhood make you what you have become and will keep on becoming for years to come.. prayers from the dunes.


  23. Stephanie @ Our Marriage Adventure

    July 1, 2011 at 6:38 am

    I personally can’t wait for this moment. I’m even open to science fiction now since we’re starting that road. 😀 At least I have female co-workers who are just as itchy for me to run down the hall though!


  24. Michelle

    July 2, 2011 at 9:52 am

    What a beautiful story 🙂 Belated congratulations, and happy SITS day!


  25. misssrobin

    July 7, 2011 at 2:40 pm

    Great story, very well told.



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